I have moved 26 times in my life. It’s time for #27. But I don’t know where I’m going.
did you say your name was rambling kate?
When I said goodbye to my dad last night, he hugged me warmly and whispered, “I hope this trip is everything you want it to be.”
Truth be told, I need it to be. Over the next 4 weeks, I’m traveling across the country in search of a home.
To most people I know, when they hear the word “home” they picture a place. There’s a front door where their mom once gently nudged them out to catch the school bus. A childhood bedroom they redecorated with every personal interest era. A living room where they gathered to unwrap Christmas presents.
When I’m asked about “home,” it’s amorphous. It’s a nebulous feeling more than anything.
My fluid, transitory upbringing has served me well in many areas but is not without its drawbacks. Comfort with impermanence is both a gift and a curse.
she’s lookin’ for a home, i hope she finds it
A few years ago I dunked my phone in Russian River while floating towards the Pacific. My then-boyfriend was horrified at all the pictures I'd lost. I shrugged it off. New memories would replace the old!
I may be the most situationally adaptable person this side of the Mississippi. (Which side, you might wonder? I'll let you toss a coin. I've been on both sides today as I write this.) I'm open-minded and flexible to a fault, strangely comfortable with the ephemerality of material items. Every new space is a new adventure and a new opportunity to build something.
However, over the years the curse side has revealed itself slowly. I’ve started to notice a shift in the cultural acceptability of my wandering nature. As I knock on 30, most of my friends have begun to settle into comfortable routines. Buying houses, entrenching themselves in a particular town. There seems to be this social script others around me are reading but I’m not even sure where to find it on the bookshelf.
It’s not that I’m not happy. I'm blessed with a combination of brain chemistry and personal zest for life that makes me genuinely content. I am, however, a boundless pit of curiosity, and that insatiable instinct can sometimes feel at odds with my ability to “settle down.” By my nature, I am a touch untethered. Left to my own devices, I'd be a regular jet-setter.
I do best in routine, but I grow most through immense change. That tension is not something I have learned how to balance.
big world, little kate
I'm consciously seeking somewhere that will captivate me enough to settle in and build… without knowing exactly what I'm looking for. I said earlier I was searching for a home, but that's not quite right. I don't say home because “home” is what you build on top of a place. It's the community you create, the feeling you cultivate. Ideally, it would also involve a partner. Someone who grounds me but shares the same draw to depth and adventure. But I haven't met my match yet.
So here I am, on the road. Today kicks off 4 weeks of traveling to 4 cities to see if I can find the connection I’m craving.
What do I want it to be? What am I searching for? How can I find something when I can’t even articulate what I’m seeking?
I’m not sure that this trip will answer all my existential questions… but it will be illuminating in its own right. I don't know what I'm looking for but I'm going anyway.
Curiously,
Kate